update

I made it through the semester. I (somehow) got all A's, passed the Praxis, worked approximately 15 hours a week and replaced my roommate.

Yeah..

I really don't know how it happened.

But, YAY! Only 17 more weeks!

I think I will....

...crawl into a hole and die. Or at least find a cave and hide.

I'm taking 19 hours this semester. Yes, 19. And no, I'm not at the graduate level. I'm still working on my undergrad. Oh, and I'll be reading 10...yes, TEN...books this semester. Actually, if I were to be completely honest, I'm only going to read part of them. There's absolutely no way I can do ten at one time. I might have read 14 books in July, but I read one at a time, and they were fluff reads.

Reading isn't all I'll be doing.

I have journals to keep, lessons to write, a classroom management plan to construct, an integrated unit plan to create, reflection papers, expert presentations, discussion groups(as the facilitator) and 300 hours to log in my field placement classroom.

I know I'll make it through, but right now I'm not sure how. It's an insane amount of work. Really, who thought this was a good idea!?!

I would have take one or two classes this summer and gotten them out of the way, but I had to take 9 hours...which is 3 hours over full time in the summer. And I wasn't taking important classes. I took Math 130. It was a waste of my time.

I just want to fast forward through this semester...

A few of my favorite things...

-my family: They're hilarious! I am so thankful that we all have such wonderful senses of humor. Any time we get together--my immediate or extended family--we laugh and laugh and laugh. I wish we were closer, but when we get together, it's like we've never been apart.

-my friends: They're hilarious, too. I love spending time with them without having to do anything. We laugh a lot and just share life.

-books: I love getting lost in stories. I love jumping into other places. It stirs my creativity.

-sweet tea: Drinking unsweet is a sin. HA!

-lemon Italian Ice: yum. yum.

-the creativity of a child: The little boy that was next to me at the fireworks on the Fourth of July told his family to pretend to be dead so the gnats would go away.

-the end of the semester: Any semester. It's always wonderful to be done.

-my bed: It's wonderfully comfortable and a place where I love to read.

-good music: It makes me happy; it makes me cry; it makes me think.

-coffee: It doesn't give me any type of buzz, but I still love it.


So..my list is not exhaustive. There are so many more things that I like, but I just don't feel like putting them in this post. :)

Excitement...

I am overwhelmingly excited that after this week I will be able to read more "fluff" books.

My American Government class ends on Thursday, and I will no longer have to read a chapter a night on an aspect of the government. It's been somewhat informative. Ok, really I think I have taken a lot away from the class. I feel a little more informed when I am reading the newspaper or watching the news on television. However, it has not given me any desire to do more than what I normally do. And I could still care less about politics.

But because I am devoting so much time to this class, I have not done any recreational reading. I plan on remedying this in July. I'll have almost 3 hours between classes on Mondays and Wednesdays. It is enough time to go back to my apartment, but it's 20 minutes from campus, and I don't really feel like wasting the gas. I'll pack a lunch/snack and head to the library.

I have no idea how I will decide what to read, but I plan on expanding my reading world a little. I am sure I'll be able to find a summer reading list somewhere. And I will definitely ask for suggestions.

You have no idea how exciting this is to me. I LOVE to read. I love escaping into books. My favorite book is To Kill A Mockingbird. I have read it at least 3 times. I enjoy that book so much. I even enjoyed the movie with Gregory Peck.

I am so excited about reading!!

When it finally hits home....

I was sitting in my math class this morning and felt a nudge to check my phone. I had checked it just a few minutes earlier. I pulled it out of my purse and saw that I had a new voice mail. I then looked to see that the missed call was from my dad's phone. My first thought was that he wanted to remind me to call about what I got on my tests. (I took two tests yesterday--math and American government.) I didn't get my test back, so I figured I'd just listen to the voice mail and call him after my American government class when I got that test back. I waited until I got out of the building to make sure that I'd have reception. I called my voice mail, punched in my password and listened to my message. It was my dad, but it wasn't about my tests.

It was serious. I could tell by my dad's voice.

He said that he just wanted to call me to let me know the news....And then he dropped a bomb.

Joel, an Army Specialist who is on his first tour in Iraq, has been killed.

I could only say "Oh my God!" over and over again. I honestly wanted to drop to the ground and weep. It took my breath away.

Joel Taylor is 20 years old. I've known Joel for a few years. We had gone to the same church for a while. His mom and I were on the dance team at church together. My friend was his girlfriend. His dad, a firefighter, had been to our house when my mom put a fuse back in incorrectly.

I can't explain how it has effected me, and I haven't seen him or his parents in quite a while.

It really puts things into some sort of perspective when it hits home.

Or maybe it changes perspectives, in a good way.

Please pray for the Taylor Family. I can't imagine what this would feel like. Joel was a sweet, fun-loving guy who was proud to serve his country. We were honored to have him serve and protect us, as we are with all of our military.

...if it breathes, it must be alive.

I'm going to survive this stint at summer school.

Another Perspective

As an educator, it is imperative that I look at what I do from other's perspectives. Is what I am doing relevant to my students? Do/will they understand? What would hinder them?

More often than not there will be a student whose perspective is only attainable through imagination. And even then, it falls terribly short. This is one such perspective:

This student is in 2nd grade..approximately 8 years older. He is not from the mid-west. His family is originally from New Orleans. They came here after Katrina. His family stayed in the Super Dome. He was approximately 6 years old.

He lost a brother and a sister. A while after relocating here, his mother was killed. He now lives with his father and step-mother.

My mind cannot wrap itself around this. Sure, I've gone through several hurricanes. Even stayed in a shelter. As horrible as it was, it pales in comparison. And I'm sure pales isn't a strong enough word.

I have never lost a parent. I lost my grandmother in October of 2006. A week later I had to put together a family book. I was supposed to get stories from my grandparents. She was the last one I had. I had to get my stories from my mom. I feel like I never really had time to grieve. I was immediately thrown into something else that had to be done. It's not really like losing a parent...especially before the age of 10.

Today was sobering. There are going to be plenty of kids in my classroom who come from so many different places and bring so many things with them. I don't know what else to do but love them.

I will continuously challenge myself to look at life through their eyes.

Eyes...

I am working on a paper for my seminar class. I am picking out what I believe are the major points in the four parts of the book. I am working on Part 2 right now.

When I first read the book, I was struck by this question: "What does my body language say to my students?" I began to reflect on my body language with kids and with peers. I took a critical look at how I hold myself while in conversation. It got me thinking about how I listen to people. I know that I tend to look around while I'm talking/listening to people, especially when there are other people moving around that are not involved with the conversation. I guess I am just easily distracted, but I can see how this may cause the people involved to think I am not listening.

While writing the paper, I began thinking about why I do this. Maybe I am just easily distracted.

I have noticed though that when talking to some people, their stare is too intense. I've heard that the eyes are the window to the soul. Matthew 6:22 says that the "eye is the lamp of the body".

I feel so intimidated sometimes when people look into my eyes. I feel exposed. Unsafe.

A little over a month ago, I had this almost haunting experience. I was in conversation with some people I had just met. We were talking about music. Someone asked me what kind of music I like. The look in their eyes caught me so off guard. It's like that question was a load of bricks slamming into me. I felt like I was frantically searching for an answer that would be worthy. It was the craziest thing. When I think about it now, I can still see the eyes. So purposeful.

I don't think we wear our hearts on our sleeves. We show it in our eyes.

I guess this is why my eyes wander in conversations. The intensity is sometimes too much for prolonged periods of time.

Waiting..

I feel like I am always waiting.

Waiting for the day/week to be over.
Waiting for Spring Break.
Waiting for the semester to be over.
Waiting until graduation finally comes.

And I'm not just waiting for those things to get here...

I'm waiting for them to come so I can do something else. I feel like these things have to come..especially finishing school..for God to be able to do something. I honestly feel like school is holding me back.

It's not true.

I know that this is where the Lord would have me be, but I haven't been able to shake the feeling.

I guess I have always been hung up on my performance. If I do this, God will do that. or I have to do this, so God will do that.

It's junk. Not true.

Jesus, undo my thinking.

Pain
The gift nobody longs for, still it comes
And somehow leaves us stronger
When it's gone away

Pray
I try and pray for Your will to be done
But I confess it's never fast enough for me

It seems
the hardest part is waiting on You
When what I really want
Is just to see Your hand move

(Chorus)
I want a peace beyond my understanding
I want to feel it fall like rain
In the middle of my hurting
I want to feel Your arms as they surround me
And let me know that it's okay
To be here in this place
Resting in the peace that only comes
In the waiting

Time
Time to let it go and just believe
Trusting in what no one else but You can see

Free
Freedom from the fears that close me in
When I can't get beyond where I have been

But then again
The silence doesn't mean that I'm alone
As long as I can hear
That I am still Your own

(Repeat chorus)

In the waiting...

[In the Waiting-Greg Long]

Sunday Thoughts

This morning during worship at church I was thinking about how easy it is for me to have a relationship with God when things are rough. Yet, when things are pretty smooth, I don't always take time to keep my end of the relationship going.

During the hard or rough times, I need Him..just to survive. I need Him to speak life to me. I need Him to let me know that He still loves me and is walking with me.

When things are good, they're good. I don't think I need those things.

And just the opposite is true in relationships with people. When things are rough, it is much easier to end the relationship. Talking or hanging out with the person does not always sound like fun. Yet, when the relationship is good, talking and hanging out comes naturally.

I wonder why that is.

-----

I was also struck this morning that I'm not exactly sure I know what the "joy of the Lord" is. We sing about it and talk about it, but I'm not sure I could define it.

The joy of the Lord is my strength. What does that mean?

Bombardment and Adventure

I feel it coming at me from every angle. There's just no possible way to run from it.

It haunts me in my dreams. It's in my music. It's on message boards. It's always brought up in conversations. It's even the focus of CRU this week.

It is relationships.

It first started with a message board topic. Fine. Normal.

Then it came in a dream. Creepy. Odd.

It's always in my music.

It was part of a conversation I had with a younger-than-me friend. Depressing.

Then it came in another dream. Same person. Even more creepy.

Now, it will be the focus of CRU tomorrow. I think I really want to go.

Even though I feel completely overwhelmed by the whole thing, I am interested in other's perspectives/opinions.

Besides that going on, my mind has been running a mile a minute the last couple of days. I just wish I could turn it off. It's good, though. I finally feel like I am figuring out who I am. I have started making myself say definitive statements about myself. "I am...." "I like...." "I want...." It's kinda interesting.

When I was younger, I don't think I had a clue who I was or what I wanted. It has definitely come through many challenging and rewarding experiences.
----
I received the greatest compliment to date Sunday. I was sharing a little of my story with a lady at the church I just started going to. She said that I was adventurous.

I have always wanted to be adventurous, but I always thought I was such a wimp. I thought adventurous meant sky diving, bungee jumping, riding roller coasters, doing this, doing that...whatever. I never realized that the things I have done have been adventurous.

At 15, I went on my first mission trip to Venezuela with Teen Mania. I knew no one that was going on my trip until my first day in Texas. I had never been on a plane before. I had never been out of the country, for that matter. And I was gone a month. Changed my life.

At 18, I "hopped" on a plane from Raleigh to Burbank, California. I was going to a ministry school in Pasadena. I knew no one. And when I arrived in Burbank, my ride was really late. I called my mom crying and wanted to come home, but I stuck it out. I was there for almost a year. Changed my life. Still is really.

At 22, I moved to Kansas City. I knew one person. My mom's friend who's 73. I lived on campus...which is an adventure in itself. I didn't know my roommate until move-in day. I didn't know any of my classmates, who had all been together for a year already. I have been to two different churches, where I knew no one. I don't know how long I'll be here, but I can definitely say that it is changing my life.

I can't help but believe that God will have another adventure for me. It might be while I'm here, or I might be going somewhere else. I'm just excited to be thought of as adventurous. :)

New Hair.
New Confidence.

Consume Me..

- dc Talk

Lovely traces
I can sense You in everything
The way that You move me
Takes me far away
I seek no escape
I'm dreaming through Your eyes
I am wandering through Your mind
I'm overtaken by the way that You deliver me
I'm transcended
There's no place I'd rather be
Than here in Heaven
Without You I'm incomplete
It's hopeless

Chorus:
You consume me, You consume me
Like a burning flame running through my veins
You consume me moving through me
Anytime, anyplace You invade my space
You consume me, You consume me

Wholly devoted
I immerse myself in You
Baptize me in Your love
Cause drowning in the thought of You
Floods my soul
I'm taken by the things You do
God, You know
It doesn't matter what I lose
I'm Yours

Chorus

Bridge
I am in Your hands
Under Your command
Like a puppet on a string
[Lord you know]
I am willing to
Put my faith in You
So before the world I sing

[Consume me]
You consume me, You consume me
Burning flame, through my veins
You consume me moving through me
Anytime, anyplace You invade my space
You consume me [oh, you know that I surrender]
I am consumed, I'm consumed with You
There's no other way I can fly
It's You and I, You and I
There's no other way I can fly
It's You and I, You and I
____________________________________________________________

I love answering the question "How are you doing/How are things going" with an emphatic "GREAT"!

And really..things are great. I have no complaints...well...no major ones anyways. I would love some more snow. :)

I feel like I am coming alive again. It's terrifying and exciting.

I kinda want to take on the world.

Wordless...

SNOW DAY!

Fire in our fire place.

Finding Love in a bag of Lays...

Ken Helser says, "In everything God has a voice. You can hear Him in anything or miss Him in everything."

What is He saying in the middle of a traffic jam? In the cool breeze that moves through your car? In the movement of the trees? The song on the radio? And so on...

Ken Gire calls them "Windows of the Soul". Those moments when we hear the whispers of God in everyday life.

I think I have always known this. It seems as if my heart has always been sensitive. I remember listening to a Five Iron Frenzy song about dandelions. I was on my way to school. Things were tough. I was doing a lot of questioning and not really finding answers. It was one of those times where I wasn't sure that God still wanted me. I felt like I had royally missed the mark and was of no use. One part of the song says, "You see love where anyone else would see weeds". I knew by offering everything I had, as ugly as it was at the time, the Lord saw it as a beautiful offering. I found a parking spot at school, and when I got out there was a dandelion growing on the ground. At that moment, something that I see all of the time became incredibly meaningful. I knew God was speaking to me.

So, the bag of Lays....

I pulled this out a couple of days ago:



Ephesians 1:4 (Amp)
Even as [in His love] He chose us [actually picked us out for Himself as His own] in Christ before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy (consecrated, and set apart for Him) and blameless in His sight, even above reproach, for Him in love.


"In everything, God has a voice. You can hear Him in anything or miss Him in everything."

Venezuela 1999

Maybe by blogging about this, I'll finally have my essay done.

Side note: I am a terrible procrastinator. I've got to get it together.

On to blogging...

It was the summer of 1999. I was fifteen years old and was going on my first mission trip. This was going to be the first time I would be away from my parents for more than a week. It was also the farthest I would be away from home. I think this was my very first adventure.

I went to Venezuela with Teen Mania Ministries:Global Expeditions which is located in Garden Valley, Texas. The mission statement of the ministry, according to their website, is "Our heartbeat is to provoke a young generation to passionately pursue Jesus Christ and to take His life giving message to the ends of the earth!" Global Expeditions sends thousands of teens all over the world every summer.

Before going into the country, I spent three days in Texas meeting with my team and learning the drama we would be presenting. The drama was about what people do to try and fill the emptiness in their lives. The ending scene in the drama shows that only Christ can provide us with the fulfillment that we are looking for. When we arrived in Venezuela, we spent about two days perfecting our drama and learning about the areas we would be in. We would spend about two of our three weeks in Venezuela in the major city of Maracaibo. The other week would be spent in a smaller town or village. My team's "village trip" was to Valencia.

While in Maracaibo, our base was at a local hotel. In my room were six other girls from all over the United States. My team traveled together in a bus all over the city to our ministry site destinations. Most of our sites were on the streets. A few times we were in elementary schools and once in a prison. Our main witnessing tool was the drama. Before the drama, we canvassed the area inviting people to come see what we were doing. We "broke the ice" by doing a funny skit, then one of my team members would give their testimony. Once we had their attention, we presented "The Journeyman". After that, one of the team leaders would share the gospel with the people. As a team, we would split into small ministry groups to talk with people who were still standing around. One person in the group would ask the people questions and share the gospel with them again. We presented the drama three to four times a day. We did this for the whole time while we were in Venezuela.

As a look back on that adventure, I can hardly believe it has been almost nine years ago. I remember when I first felt like I was supposed to go on a mission trip. I did not know where I was supposed to go; I just knew I should go. My first choice of country was actually Australia. Venezuela was my second, and I just happened to write it in the second blank because it was on the front of the missions brochure. As it would be, Venezuela was where I was supposed to be.

This mission trip forced me outside of my comfort zone. I spent four weeks with people I had never met before in a place I had never been to. I gained confidence in being able to approach unfamiliar people who speak a different language then I do. I learned what it was like to look at life through someone else's eyes. However, the biggest thing I gained was compassion for people. I saw a glimpse of what life is like in another country. It expanded my cultural vision. My heart was broken for these people, especially the children. Even though we could not always communicate, I loved being around them. I believe that this experience was just the beginning of my future. As I am currently involved with an urban education program, I see just how invaluable this summer experience was.

After that summer, I felt almost as if I had grown up. Teenagers are commonly defined as self-centered. I went of my own free will and gave up part of my summer to serve the people of Venezuela. It has been one of the most pivotal moments in my life.
------

So, that's my essay. Probably not my best work, but it definitely came from my heart.

This is the product of all of the snow and ice we have gotten this season.
It started to melt a little over the weekend because we had temp.s in the 50's.
I'd guess it's about 10-15 feet high.
Way cool!

Quarter-life Crisis

I remember listening John Mayer's first album about 5 years ago and hearing the lyric about the quarter life crisis. I secretly hoped I would get my chance to have one. Well, here I am. Eleven months from the big 2-5. Still in college. It even gets worse: I'll still be a semester and a half from graduation when I turn 25. Twenty-five will be a big year. I'll FINALLY graduate college and then start my first job (teaching).

I used to beat myself up about not going to college right after I graduated high school. I still do occasionally..especially when most of my classmates are talking about partying it up for their 21st birthday. Geez, I feel old.

But I have chosen to view the the way my life has turned out at this point, so to speak, as the plan God has intended from before I was born. Yes, there are things I could have done differently, but if I could go back, would I?

Not a chance.

I know that I am in the exact place that God would have me be. What I am doing is stretching me. It is forcing me to figure out who I am and what I want to be. And it goes beyond just what I need to know to be a great teacher. I am being challenged to find my purpose and then allow that to drive what I do.

So, hit me with your best shot, quarter-life crisis. I'm ready.

But don't be too mean..please?

Fresh Start

It feels like the timing is right for a new start. I don't know what it is the start of exactly.

I think it is time for a change in thinking. A change in way things are done. It's no longer "business as usual" in my life. It is time to do things that matter. No more wasted time.

How that all works out..I have no idea.

I don't think I am supposed to have it all figured out. I just need to be moving in the right direction.